I saw Inception last weekend and enjoyed it … except for one thing. If you know me, you know I dream. I dream a lot. And those orderly, stable Inception dreams—except for an occasional freight train or twisted bit of geography—were nothing like the dreams I know. So while Christopher Nolan may have made an exciting heist movie, he completely failed when it came to creating a believable dreamscape.

Here are the dreams I tweeted last month if Nolan needs any more ideas. Yeah, some of them ape the real world in ways. But many are just plain weird.

I dreamt that while being interviewed by a TV reporter at a con, I called Andy Porter over, then saw he had my old autograph album with him. July 30, 2010 7:34:22 AM

I dreamt I was on top of a huge mountain, demolishing it by kicking the boulders that made it up one by one into the abyss. July 30, 2010 7:28:59 AM

I dreamt I saw two bears outside, so ran off to get my camera. But realized it was a dream when I saw the giraffe in the backyard with them. July 29, 2010 7:44:01 AM

I dreamt I wandered a school poking my head in classrooms. In one of them? Kim Jong Il! I changed into slippers so I’d be let in to see him. July 28, 2010 8:06:00 AM

I dreamt I wandered a bank I used to work for looking for my desk but unable to find it, and not understanding where it could have gone to. July 28, 2010 8:01:00 AM

I dreamt I tried to let my Dad in the house without letting in a mastiff, but whenever I cracked open the door, the dog poked his nose in. July 28, 2010 7:57:49 AM

I dreamt I ran over Irene while backing out of the garage. I couldn’t find her after I got out of the car, and ran around shouting her name. July 28, 2010 7:55:46 AM

I dreamt I was installing new doors throughout the house. And for sound insulation, I was filling them with ground beef and chicken breasts. July 27, 2010 7:48:55 AM

I dreamt I was seated with Chip Delany at the counter of a sushi bar, but instead of sushi, we were devouring endless quantities of dim sum. July 21, 2010 7:26:01 AM

I dreamt a doctor was exhibiting me in front of a room full of medical students who had to point at and identify every muscle in my body. July 21, 2010 7:24:13 AM (more…)

One month has ended, and a new one begins. If you’ve been following my life for any length of time, you already know what that means—it’s time to collect in one place the many tweets I made during the previous month about my active dream life.

And for those of you who’ve never seen one of my monthly dream collections before—yes, I really do dream that much.

I dreamt I attended a pre-Oscars bash because I was a designated acceptor, but when asked whose trophy I was there to pick up, I blanked. June 30, 2010 8:07:07 AM

I dreamt I was trying to explain Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Seinfeld reunion arc to Irene, using clips that don’t exist anywhere but my dreams. June 29, 2010 8:04:55 AM EDT

I dreamt I was once more working as a loan underwriter, and getting lectured for not logging in files using the correct numbering system. June 29, 2010 8:03:06 AM EDT

I dreamt pregnant Irene and I (in a completely different dream) fled the hospital in order to make sure the kid’s birthday would be 6/30. June 29, 2010 7:57:20 AM EDT

I dreamt I showed off a collection of mine that doesn’t exist in real life. Each story had an illo that looked like a comics splash page. June 29, 2010 7:53:49 AM EDT

I dreamt I was at a hospital with Irene, who was suddenly pregnant. I wasn’t surprised, just waiting for her labor to kick into high gear. June 29, 2010 7:48:59 AM EDT

I dreamt I attended a convention held in the food mart of a local gas station, packed tightly among the aisles of chips and candy bars. June 28, 2010 7:42:25 AM EDT

I dreamt I was luging down a mountain at dizzying speed. There was no snow, though — I zoomed through tall grass and over bare earth. June 28, 2010 7:38:04 AM EDT

I dreamt I was dreaming (sort of metafictional) about hanging out with my father at a party, eating pizza and drinking cherry-ginger soda. June 28, 2010 7:33:49 AM EDT

I dreamt I was a local trash collector being paid for the week with a crisp $40 bill. That oddity didn’t bother me. But the low pay did. June 27, 2010 7:56:59 AM EDT (more…)

Life’s been so busy lately that I haven’t had much time to blog—but my subconscious obviously has no intention of taking a break. One morning in May I actually woke and tweeted seven dreams.

Here—for those who wish to take a tour of my sleeping mind—are 104 dreams I tweeted in May all in one place.

I dreamt I took part in a live competition to write a 5-minute script in 5 minutes to be performed (and judged) by professional actors. 9:17 AM May 31st

I dreamt I’d once appeared on Mad About You as a Fruit of the Loom fruit. I argued with another actor about which of us had been the orange. 9:14 AM May 31st

I dreamt I was telling my new wife the reasons my old wife had run off and abandoned me. Neither of these woman was my actual wife, however. 9:09 AM May 31st

I dreamt I taught an alien to treat me as an equal, and not act subserviently. But when he went off on his own, I think that got him killed. 9:07 AM May 31st

I dreamt I was in line at Disneyland with Leonard Nimoy. Great conversation! We parted before he could finish a Neal Stephenson anecdote. 9:03 AM May 31st

I dreamt I met the woman who’d put me up for adoption, and read to her childhood diary entries about how much I hated her, making her cry. 8:59 AM May 31st

I dreamt I lived in an apartment and leaned over our terrace railing watching a very polite marathon go by — the runners were single file! 8:04 AM May 30th

I dreamed I came across nine tree stumps in the woods in a three-by-three square. Standing atop two of them were Joshua Bilmes and Bob Howe. 8:00 AM May 30th

I dreamt two soaking-wet woman wearing swimsuits stood at my door holding a baby — for some reason special — that had just been born. 7:58 AM May 30th (more…)

Here are all of my April 2010 dream tweets, collected in one place because they seem so much more bizarre when piled one atop the other this way. (But also because it’s so much easier to determine—according to Patrick Nielsen Hayden’s theory—which of you are now eligible for SFWA membership.)

Welcome to another month my my surreal subconscious.

I dreamt that Alex Irvine called to tell me he was getting married, which seemed weird because … in real life, he already is. Isn’t he? 8:24 AM Apr 30th

I dreamt I discovered a huge Jack Kirby Tarzan pencil drawing in my art collection, and then searched fruitlessly for matting material. 8:19 AM Apr 30th

I dreamt a writer friend of mine called to tell me that his Hulk miniseries had finally been made, and would air from 2:00-8:00 this Sunday. 8:14 AM Apr 30th

I dreamt I watched Head Over Keels, a B&W movie starring Brando, Borgnine, and Muni as three Navy guys trying to get to a Sinatra concert. 8:12 AM Apr 30th

I dreamt I interviewed an old woman on how her famous actress sister got started. She said it was by sending in Bugs Bunny cartoon ideas. 8:08 AM Apr 30th

I dreamt a Glee/American Idol mashup in which the characters competed in front of the judges. Sadly, I had no memory of the songs on waking. 8:51 AM Apr 29th

I dreamt I wandered out barefoot into deep snow wearing just a bathrobe. Confused cows wandered up to look at me as I stumbled farther away. 8:44 AM Apr 29th

I dreamt I was at a banquet where the Oscars were being handed out, and sat with Harrison Ford. He was, surprisingly, smiling and friendly. 8:40 AM Apr 29th

I dreamt my ship was rammed by another because we wouldn’t let its passengers board. I escaped — with my lifesized statue of Cory Doctorow. 8:36 AM Apr 29th

I dreamt I was in a Law & Order courtroom as a trial went bad. As Det. Lupo was dragged away, I ran off to tell Lt. Van Buren and get help. 8:33 AM Apr 28th (more…)

My subconscious was just as active as usual last month, resulting in many tweeted dreams.

I was thinking of telling you which one of these seemed to me to be the weirdest, or the most entertaining, but as I reread them now, I find that I can’t choose from among my children. I enjoyed having them all.

Well … most of them, anyway.

I dreamed I attended a SFWA banquet at which there were no tables, and we all sat very confused in rows with plates balanced on our knees. 3:42 AM Mar 30th

I dreamt I was at a cast Q&A for Mad Men, but the poor actor who played Sal was shunned and forced to sit in the audience. I commiserated. 3:40 AM Mar 30th

I dreamt Dracula, as drawn by Gene Colan, had captured me but was unable to bite me due to garlic I’d eaten and bit off my toenails instead. 1:57 AM Mar 29th

I dreamt Joss Whedon revealed a previously undisclosed Buffy character was gay — and that as a result, a NY Yankee came out of the closet. 3:37 AM Mar 27th

I dreamt during my airplane sleep to #WHC2010 that I was trapped inside an issue of Nova written by Marv Wolfman and drawn by Sal Buscema. 12:59 PM Mar 25th

I dreamt I was having a heavily choreographed fist fight while “There’s a Kind of Hush” played as an ironic soundtrack in the background. 5:16 AM Mar 24th

I dreamt I was in a crowded SFWA suite at Worldcon discussing the novels of Kevin J. Anderson with — Jack Cassidy? Yes, Jack Cassidy. 8:04 AM Mar 23rd

I dreamt my toilet overflowed, and I was trapped in the bathroom as the water rose around me. See, I sometimes have _normal_ dreams, too! 7:57 AM Mar 23rd

I dreamt I was a woman stalked by a man, and as he walked toward me, our roles and genders reversed, and I became a man stalked by a woman. 8:38 AM Mar 22nd

I dreamt that a NY panhandler held out a hand, and rather than asking for money, _gave_ a dollar to each person who walked by on the street. 8:33 AM Mar 22nd (more…)

If you’re bothering to read this now, you likely already know—I have a very active dream life. The more involved ones get reported on LiveJournal, while the ones that can be summed up briefly are being sent out into the world via Twitter. But since those near-daily tweets seem far too ephemeral, I’ve been collecting them in one place.

So here are the messages my subconscious sent to me last month. Were you with me when I slept?

I dreamt I was trying to steal a secret family recipe from one of the Babylon 5 aliens so I could cook the dish to impress his daughter. 7:51 AM Feb 28th

I dreamt I was wandering NY with Jeff Garlin looking for his favorite nut shop, and as we did so I found a pen I had lost many years before. 8:27 AM Feb 27th

I dreamt I was wandering the WTC (the WTC of now, not of then) shirtless, barefoot, in search of both shoes and shirt, never finding either. 7:50 AM Feb 27th

I dreamt I was hanging with Dad in a comics shop as a woman rode by on a bike with a chrome animal skull for handlebars. So I snapped a pic. 7:48 AM Feb 27th

I dreamt I could hear Paul Di Filippo cry out for help after he got stuck spelunking in a cave under his RI home, so I went in to save him. 7:40 AM Feb 27th

I dreamt I tried to show Martin Morse Wooster a young photo of him I’d found, but as with all dream tech, I couldn’t get my laptop to work. 8:40 AM Feb 25th

I dreamt I worked in a science-fiction bookshop that published its own magazine. Also working the store that day: Jenn Reese and Mark Kelly. 7:52 AM Feb 23rd

I dreamt I sat in a alley petting a dog who only moved in slow motion. And when I tried to abandon it, Stephen Colbert wouldn’t let me go. 7:47 AM Feb 23rd

I dreamt Cory Doctorow told me someone sent me a coded message via an ad in the NYT, but when I tried to decipher the gibberish, I woke. 7:32 AM Feb 22nd

I dreamt about Cory Doctorow and Neil Gaiman, but don’t know why. Only their names are decipherable from my middle-of-the-night scribbling. 7:28 AM Feb 21st (more…)

I shouldn’t be awake this early. Why am I awake this early? Because I just had a dream argument with Bill Maher, one that riled me up so much I couldn’t get right back to sleep.

Actually, I had two dreams last night that are too detailed to tweet , though after the first one I was able to fall asleep immediately.

In the first dream, I am Doctor Who, the David Tennant Doctor Who. I am battling with The Master in a rotting seaside resort. The place has really gone to seed. Boarded-up businesses, graffiti and trash everywhere, abandoned newspapers blowing by. And it’s deserted. There are no other people to be seen anywhere. We’re the only ones there as we fight on.

Eventually, there comes a point at which I know he has the upper hand. He somehow has obtained the ability to destroy the planet, and will do so unless I surrender, so I allow myself to be captured for the good of the Earth. In fact, I’m actually about to let him kill me, because if I do so, he’ll let the Earth live. For some reason, I believe that he’ll keep his word. Not sure why. As he escorts me through the empty town toward my doom, I talk of all the things I’ve seen in the universe that I will miss, saying goodbye to them one by one.

That bores The Master, and he kills me mid-sentence with no warning. But at least the Earth is saved, and I am happy as I die. (more…)

Those of you who’ve been following my musings know that I dream. I dream a lot. And I report the ones that seem relevant both on my LiveJournal blog (where I post the dreams which seem to have more details worth sharing) and on Twitter.

But tweets are such fragile, ephemeral things that I’ve decided to collect them each month. Here are my dream tweets from January 2010.

Who knows? Perhaps one of them was about you!

I dreamt I met my parents in their cabin after their return from a cruise, with no sense of surprise that my father was alive once more. 8:34 AM Jan 31st

I dreamt I started up a new company, along with Irene Gallo. Which seemed as if it could actually happen. Until Bruce Boxleitner walked in. 8:28 AM Jan 31st

I dreamt I was helping my mother, played in the dream by some white-haired woman not my mother, plan her second marriage wedding ceremony. 7:16 AM Jan 30th

I dreamt that as I was driving out of a parking garage with Irene, we were attacked by Kate from Lost, guns blazing. And I have no idea why. 7:11 AM Jan 30th

I dreamt I arrived at an Indian wedding, was given bracelets and silk scarves … and then realized Irene couldn’t make it. So I left, sad. 7:34 AM Jan 29th

I dreamt Steve Segal called, and the main thing we discussed was how he had to fend off a hostile takeover of Weird Tales by … Brad Pitt. 7:26 AM Jan 29th

I dreamt I wandered an ur-NY, a Platonian ideal of NY with wondrous domes and towers, but at the same time was sad because I had no camera. 7:59 AM Jan 27th

I dreamt that while driving through a mall parking lot, I spotted a van emblazoned with the names of everyone I used to work with in comics. 8:18 AM Jan 26th

I dreamt I played wiffleball with Derek Morgan, Penelope Garcia and Richard Castle in my backyard, and we lost the ball with every hit. 8:16 AM Jan 26th

I dreamt I was Walter White, Bryan Cranston’s character from Breaking Bad, and had been called to the unemployment office. I wasn’t happy. 8:10 AM Jan 26th (more…)

I had a dream last night in which I was at a World Horror Convention. I couldn’t tell whether it was meant to be a WHC past or future, so I was outside of time. I wandered the spacious lobby of whatever hotel I was in, which had many comfortable leather couches inhabited by my friends. As I walked through the scrum, I saw Steve Jones, who I’ve seen in real life at many WHCs.

He told me that a book I’d inherited from my father, a huge tome I was lugging under one arm through the lobby, wasn’t any ordinary ancient edition of that title. Steve had his own copy of the book, and from examining it learned that my copy had entries and pages that no other edition of the book had or was meant to have. It had been used in mystic rites at some time in the past.

Steve gave me metal armatures that were meant to attach around my arms and torso like an antique Iron Man suit. They were also meant to have dozens of candles inserted into holders arrayed upon them to adorn my body while I read aloud from the book, for what eldritch purpose I did not know.

I paged through the book, admiring its yellowed pages, and then closed its cover. I would figure it all out later. Meanwhile, it was time to hang with my friends. I walked the perimeter of the lobby, where I saw Steve on a couch sitting with Amanda Foubister and Sharyn November. Sharyn got up and took off for a panel, which left a spot for me to sit with Steve and Amanda, which I did … and then woke up.

Based on what I’ve seen from my other online friends, I seem to dream more than the usual amount. I sometimes tweet about two, three, even four dreams a day over on Twitter.

I shared my Twitter dreams from October through December with you last week, and you can find my March through September tweet dreams, back to the beginning of my account, below.

Why am I collecting these all here today? Blame Patrick Nielsen Hayden. It’s all his fault. And if you don’t know what that means, you’ll just have to wait for my next LJ entry to find out!

dreamt I was held hostage by Amy Poehler from Baby Mama and Woody Harrelson from Natural Born Killers. I escaped, but I can’t remember how. 7:58 AM Sep 28th, 2009

dreamt I was on a train with Paul Di Filippo, and when we looked out the window, instead of stars, the sky was filled with cherry tomatoes. 7:24 AM Sep 26th, 2009 from web

dreamt I played both tour guide and bodyguard to Vladimir Putin as we wandered a dealers room. He seemed particularly interested in artwork. 7:53 AM Sep 25th, 2009 from web

dreamt I stepped aboard a docked Lindblad cruise ship to ask someone a question only for it to take off with no announcement and me on it. 6:42 AM Sep 19th, 2009 from web

dreamt that Stan Lee and Marie Severin dropped by for a visit and ended up spending the night. Don’t worry–the guest room had double beds. 6:33 AM Sep 19th, 2009 from web

dreamt I woke in the Sovereign Media storeroom among mags which don’t really exist, including ones devoted to Doc Savage and Marvel Comics. 8:51 AM Sep 17th, 2009 from web

dreamt I was planning an exotic vacation with Chuck’s sister and jerk brother-in-law. I couldn’t have been planning it with Chuck and Sarah? 7:57 AM Sep 13th, 2009

dreamt I was on a lively creative writing panel with Nancy Kress during which I tweeted John Kessel about meeting for the pre-Hugos party. 7:07 AM Sep 12th, 2009

dreamt I saw Jack Williamson alive and walking into my local supermarket, but it didn’t seem odd at all so we didn’t bother to speak. 7:26 AM Sep 9th, 2009

dreamt I was at DC while a LeRoy Neiman portrait of Jim Steranko was unveiled. The weird thing? Paul Levitz was dressed like Green Lantern. 8:34 AM Sep 5th, 2009

dreamt it was Irene’s and my 33rd wedding anniversary. Hey! Hold it right there. I _didn’t_ dream it! It _is_ our 33rd wedding anniversary! 8:12 AM Sep 4th, 2009

dreamt I was 98 years old, and my doctor wanted to prescribe me antidepressants. “Doc,” I said. “I’m not depressed — I’m 98 years old!” 8:01 AM Sep 4th, 2009 (more…)