I saw Inception last weekend and enjoyed it … except for one thing. If you know me, you know I dream. I dream a lot. And those orderly, stable Inception dreams—except for an occasional freight train or twisted bit of geography—were nothing like the dreams I know. So while Christopher Nolan may have made an exciting heist movie, he completely failed when it came to creating a believable dreamscape.

Here are the dreams I tweeted last month if Nolan needs any more ideas. Yeah, some of them ape the real world in ways. But many are just plain weird.

I dreamt that while being interviewed by a TV reporter at a con, I called Andy Porter over, then saw he had my old autograph album with him. July 30, 2010 7:34:22 AM

I dreamt I was on top of a huge mountain, demolishing it by kicking the boulders that made it up one by one into the abyss. July 30, 2010 7:28:59 AM

I dreamt I saw two bears outside, so ran off to get my camera. But realized it was a dream when I saw the giraffe in the backyard with them. July 29, 2010 7:44:01 AM

I dreamt I wandered a school poking my head in classrooms. In one of them? Kim Jong Il! I changed into slippers so I’d be let in to see him. July 28, 2010 8:06:00 AM

I dreamt I wandered a bank I used to work for looking for my desk but unable to find it, and not understanding where it could have gone to. July 28, 2010 8:01:00 AM

I dreamt I tried to let my Dad in the house without letting in a mastiff, but whenever I cracked open the door, the dog poked his nose in. July 28, 2010 7:57:49 AM

I dreamt I ran over Irene while backing out of the garage. I couldn’t find her after I got out of the car, and ran around shouting her name. July 28, 2010 7:55:46 AM

I dreamt I was installing new doors throughout the house. And for sound insulation, I was filling them with ground beef and chicken breasts. July 27, 2010 7:48:55 AM

I dreamt I was seated with Chip Delany at the counter of a sushi bar, but instead of sushi, we were devouring endless quantities of dim sum. July 21, 2010 7:26:01 AM

I dreamt a doctor was exhibiting me in front of a room full of medical students who had to point at and identify every muscle in my body. July 21, 2010 7:24:13 AM

I dreamt when I checked who was at the door, I saw two cops, in response to me accidentally setting off our burglar alarm. They frisked me. July 20, 2010 7:35:49 AM

I dreamt I was trapped in Comic-Con’s Hall H, unable to get out. (Though why I should dream this when I’ll BE there tomorrow, I don’t know.) July 20, 2010 7:31:45 AM

I dreamt I was frying up pounds of sausage for John Kessel, but it shrank as it cooked, and when done there was only a tablespoon of meat. July 19, 2010 7:49:27 AM

I dreamt my mother had remodeled her garage into an office, and when I turned on the light to check it out, John Clute was in there, typing. July 19, 2010 7:45:04 AM

I dreamt that while at a shopping mall, I saw the Malzbergs off in the distance. As they neared, I saw she was on oxygen and using a walker. July 18, 2010 8:24:33 AM

I dreamt two guys pitched hardballs to each other at high speed from opposite ends of a 7-11 while I dodged and tried not to get beaned. July 16, 2010 7:22:15 AM

I dreamt I was watching a clip of famous movie scenes in which flies landed on faces but the actors weren’t fazed — Brando, De Niro, etc. July 16, 2010 7:20:19 AM

I dreamt a woman bought at auction the contents of Marvel’s offices at 575 Madison Avenue, and I was helping her ID stats and original art. July 15, 2010 7:54:43 AM

I dreamt I highfived an 800-pound man, who immediately died. My first action was to ask a lawyer whether this meant I inherited his hotels. July 15, 2010 7:51:55 AM

I dreamt I was bragging about a new (nameless) perfume I’d invented. Its formula — 20% sin, 40% degradation, and 40% explosives. July 15, 2010 7:49:28 AM

I dreamt that when the man holding me hostage asked how I was able to remain so chipper during captivity, I sang him “Pennies from Heaven.” July 14, 2010 7:03:58 AM

I dreamt I was covering the San Diego Comic-Con, only not for Syfy, but for Stan Lee. And then we were eating BBQ chicken wings together. July 13, 2010 6:58:01 AM

I dreamt I was hanging with Barry Malzberg when “Purple People Eater” came on the radio, and he began to sing along. You shoulda been there. July 12, 2010 8:16:39 AM

Both dreams last night involved cold, which makes me wonder whether I’m living an inverse of the Twilight Zone episode “The Midnight Sun.” July 9, 2010 7:50:45 AM

I dreamt I was back home, chatting with my wife, and when I looked outside, was stunned to see the ground completely covered with snow. July 9, 2010 7:47:49 AM

I dreamt I was delivering bags of ice to a magazine publishing company, started talking with its president, and was hired as an editor. July 9, 2010 7:46:25 AM

I dreamt I was trapped in a pitch black toy factory with my boss Craig Engler, and to escape we needed to identify toys by touch alone. July 7, 2010 6:50:27 AM

I dreamt a friend of mine was in tears because she was unable to find a map online of Rehoboth Beach, and nothing we said could console her. July 6, 2010 7:58:48 AM

I dreamt I tried to explain to someone who knew nothing about comics why 1940’s Superman/Wonder Man lawsuit was so important, boring them. July 6, 2010 7:54:23 AM

I dreamt John Waters and I had a long conversation about our issues with food, after which we hugged and promised to stay in touch. July 5, 2010 8:10:10 AM

I dreamt I browsed a toy store that sold LEGO kits which do not exist, such as a life-sized gas station, and tried to choose one for my son. July 5, 2010 8:07:51 AM

I dreamt I was hanging with K. Tempest Bradford when a giant insect plunged its proboscis into my leg and started sucking away all my blood. July 5, 2010 8:04:08 AM

I dreamt after wandering Manhattan late into the night with Cadigan, Datlow and Turner, we ended up having breakfast in a Long Island diner. July 3, 2010 6:30:35 AM

I dreamt a basket of cheeses, fruits, jellies, etc. was delivered, and I fought with my father-in-law over who ate the last bit of sausage. July 2, 2010 7:52:31 AM

I dreamt I edited a gaming magazine for a huge print-mag conglomerate (Conde Nast?), and involved in political infighting to keep it alive. July 2, 2010 7:49:45 AM

I dreamt I lived in a rented room at the back of a vast gaming arcade, and whenever I went outside the lights and sounds were overwhelming. July 2, 2010 7:45:56 AM

I dreamt I was riding in the subway, oddly not at all alarmed that my entire car was filled with water save for a tiny bubble of air up top. July 2, 2010 7:43:33 AM