If you’ve been following me for any length of time, then you already know the drill—as each month ends, I gather the dreams I’d previously posted to Twitter to see what sense their surreality makes when all in one place.

And so … here’s what happened in July as I slept, starring Joel McHale, Donald Trump, Mariah Carey, Will Sasso, and many others.

July 2014

I dreamt I was with my (long dead) grandmother, posing for a photo with her since none exist IRL. My awareness of her death dId not wake me. Jul 31

I dreamt a friend told us he had cancer and was going deaf, “But the good news is — I’ll be dead before anyone realizes I can’t hear them.” Jul 31

I dreamt I was at a con where I took a donut, sliced it in half and used a cookie to make a sandwich. WHY HAVE I NOT DONE THIS IN REAL LIFE? Jul 31

I dreamt comic book artists I used to know in the ’70s showed up at Readercon, and when we chatted, the friendliest was Bernie Wrightson. Jul 30

I dreamt I offered my parents individually wrapped Life Savers, and Dad (dead IRL) demurred, while Mom took a cherry and gave me a lemon. Jul 30

I dreamt Jon Stewart and I were watching a member of The Daily Show staff try out a new bit … and I was the only one who was laughing! Jul 29

I dreamt I was fighting beside The Thing as part of a quartet — NOT the Fantastic Four — and he was shot in the neck. Bleeding, he fell. Jul 29

I dreamt I wandered a Worldcon and spent more time paying attention to racking up @fitbit steps than what was going on around me. Jul 28

I dreamt I lived in a Boston brownstone, used a shotgun to scare a burglar, then waited for police since (I assumed) guns are illegal there. Jul 28

I dreamt I interviewed a politician who’d edited a science fiction magazine when he was a kid. But he refused to answer questions about it. Jul 27

I dreamt I was walking SDCC with @craigengler, who asked about my coverage plans. I had to remind him we didn’t work at @blastr anymore. Jul 27

I dreamt I was trapped in a vast, old timey train station for some nefarious, never-revealed reason, the key dangling nearby to tease me. Jul 27

I dreamt Anthony @Bourdain gave me a food tour of a foreign country (unidentified in dream), after which I promised to send him recipes. Jul 26

I dreamt that in order to catch a train I needed to run across a dozen active rail lines. I started, realized it was a stupid idea, stopped. Jul 26

I dreamt @gerryconway and I sat with stacks of memorabilia we saved from our @Marvel days, comparing the memos we got from @therealstanlee. Jul 26

I dreamt I said something I’d NEVER say in life: “It’s not a question of what stories you want to tell, it’s what audiences want to hear.” Jul 25

I dreamt I was using heavy machinery to move massive amounts of earth to create a berm around a museum to protect it … from what? Jul 25

I dreamt I was advising students entering a drama competition, who at the last minute decided to write new lyrics to ALL of Rocky Horror. Jul 25

I dreamt I was at a SDCC panel where if you wanted to ask a question, you had to climb forward Roberto Benigni-like on the backs of chairs. Jul 25

I dreamt Donald Trump dropped by, went through my bookcases, and tried to steal my old fanzines, claiming they were his. And so we fought! Jul 24

I dreamt a romcom — lifelong bachelor always standing women up at the altar finally falls in love and is himself stood up, learns lesson. Jul 24

I dreamt I was at a newsstand reading an imaginary issue of MAD which included a piece on how movies would’ve been changed by adding Conan. Jul 21

I dreamt @leslie_what brought a shotgun to Worldcon and gave us a chance to take target practice on a life-sized Where’s Waldo mannequin. Jul 21

I dreamt I was at a Barbra Streisand concert — one of the last places you’d ever find me — talking to Mariah Carey about Irving Berlin. Jul 19

I dreamt I wandered the Brooklyn Museum with @WillSasso, explaining how impressive the Egyptology artifacts were when I saw them as a kid. Jul 15

I dreamt I was asked my wish, and I said, “I want people to be as happy as they can possibly be without that happiness making others sad.” Jul 13

I dreamt Joel McHale accidentally shot himself while on Late Show With David Letterman … but at first, people thought it was just a gag. Jul 9

I dreamt I was at Disney World with my George Formby Society pal Johnny Foodstamp. I’d brought my banjo uke along and he was giving me tips! Jul 9

I dreamt I tried to record a hilarious reading at Worldcon with my Flip camcorder, but sadly, whatever buttons I pushed, nothing happened. Jul 8

I dreamt I was editing a massive book on Lincoln and going over thousands of pages to be fact-checked with the editor — Christine Baranski. Jul 8

I dreamt it was opening day of my new restaurant, and I was scurrying this way and that seating guests, and readying for a welcome toast. Jul 8

I dreamt I suddenly tired of my Duck Dynasty-style beard, so began ripping out in hunks. I refused to leave the house until I could shave. Jul 6

I dreamt we were at a party when a ceiling fan stopped working, so my wife pulled it down and fixed it. She’s even competent in dreams! Jul 6

I dreamt someone created a chat room where we could complain about science fiction anonymously. I logged in, but — I could see every name! Jul 6

I dreamt I was in a South American restaurant easily ordering the guinea pig but unable to convey I didn’t want coffee-flavored ice cream. Jul 5

I dreamt I was in a con suite somewhere debating the usefulness of SFWA. I don’t remember who was there, only that I spoke in its favor. Jul 5

I dreamt @mrbelm and I were in the backyard setting fruits and vegetables on fire and hurling them. We had trouble lighting pickles, though. Jul 5

I dreamt I visited a theme park where rides were based on @TorBooks stories. Had trouble deciphering which novel inspired each ride, though. Jul 4

I dreamt a guy was able to control zombies by using his 10 detachable fingers … until a German Shepherd began eating them one by one! Jul 3

I dreamt that while on Amtrak to NYC I sat next to a woman heading there to appear in Music Man. I slowly realized — she was animatronic! Jul 3

I dreamt I was on a call with Paul Di Filippo and Gil Roth, about to share my 10 most and least favorite books. This made Gil was nervous. Jul 3