Another year has gone by, but more importantly, another month has gone by, and so I’m once more gathering together the dreams of a previous month to see whether poetry can be made by rubbing them together.

In December, I attempted to achieve Satori via a gumball machine, smuggled a Nerf ball up my nose, was eaten by zombies, visited my wife in a Mexican prison, and more.

Take a look below and see whether these dreams make any more sense grouped together like this than they did one day at a time.

DECEMBER 2013

I dreamt George Plimpton had gathered the members of my writers group and was teaching us an intricate dance we were to perform later.

 30 Dec

I dreamt I bought a pastry I’d never had before while wandering streets of a foreign country, hated it, but found nowhere to throw it out.

 29 Dec

I dreamt I was late for an already begun ukulele parade and was struggling into a uniform which included a medal the size of a dinner plate. 

29 Dec

I dreamt a goat was following me, and when I sat on a bench and cracked open my laptop, it pressed up against me and wouldn’t let me work.

 29 Dec

I dreamt my wife and I tried to cross a massive intersection — 16 lanes in each direction! — and got trapped in the middle dodging semis.

 28 Dec

I dreamt I wandered a mall with my mother, and she was moving so fast I couldn’t keep up with her. Which should have told me it was a dream. 

28 Dec

I dreamt I found a shop at the mall that was set up like a yard sale, selling old mags and comics. A child took my hand and wouldn’t let go.

 27 Dec

I dreamt my wife was in the hospital, and when she began vomiting, a nurse ushered me from the room because that was making her contagious.

 27 Dec

I dreamt I visited @Scalzi, was amused by his four toddlers. He showed me his Classics Illustrated collection while we waited for pancakes.

 27 Dec

I dreamt I was in a spooky funhouse, moving through the dark rooms in reverse, pushing past and annoying those who were doing it correctly.

 27 Dec

I dreamt I repeatedly pressed a button on a machine offering rainbow gumballs which could grant Satori. But I kept only getting black ones. 

25 Dec

I dreamt I was a teacher at a private school, and in order to subvert a ban on Nerf balls, snuck one through a checkpoint up my nose.

 25 Dec

I dreamt that to help a mutual friend who was being hunted escape, Jon Stewart, Sandra Bullock, and I created a distraction. With tomatoes. 

25 Dec

I dreamt I was attacked and eaten by zombies while the documentary filmmakers who’d been interviewing me kept recording and didn’t help.

 25 Dec

I dreamt I was the Queen, greeting subjects on the palace steps. Joking with a small child, he burst into tears, and I had to comfort him.

 24 Dec

I dreamt I went to a hospital to apologize to the parents of a kid I’d accidentally killed. Apologizing was the right thing, but horrifying.

 24 Dec

I dreamt I was tracking a killer. We ended up in a shoot out, but he escaped. As a result, I got into a fistfight with John Goodman.

 24 Dec

I dreamt that while at a fancy dinner I realized I wasn’t as nicely dressed as everyone else, so I stripped down and changed at the table! 

23 Dec

I lost a dream because I have no idea what the final word of this scribbled night note means: TRACKED DOWN AT CON — NEEDED TO [ILLEGIBLE].

 23 Dec

I dreamt I was eating a so-so meal at a mall food court. At my table — Boardwalk Empire‘s Arnold Rothstein. No idea how we knew each other.

 23 Dec

I dreamt Irene pointed out a guy who’d threatened her, so I got up real close and said, “If you don’t leave my wife alone, I’ll kill you.”

 23 Dec

I dreamt I showed Harlan Ellison a story of mine just published in a small press mag and lied about how much I got paid so he wouldn’t rant.

 21 Dec

I dreamt that after defeating a supervillain as Iron Man, Don Cheadle, rather than congratulating me, chastised me for risking the suit.

 21 Dec

I dreamt I went to brush my teeth and grabbed a bottle of mustard (why was it in the bathroom?) instead, squirting it a