I received a package from Paul Di Filippo today containing a CD of ukulele music. I guess he could hear my caterwauling all the way up in Providence and wants me to stop making noises as if someone or something was being tortured. Sure do appreciate it, Paul.

But that’s not the thing Paul’s trying to tell me that’s sending a message I don’t want to hear.

You see, Paul decorated the envelope with clippings from old magazines and newspapers, the way he always does before popping anything in the mail. The front was a humorous collage, but as for the back, well, that was made up of a single large ad (a version of which seems to have been published in the 1947 Johnson Smith & Co. catalogue) which strongly implied there was something lacking about me.

The ad began:

In your business and social affairs—meeting and dealing with other people—have you the cold, “icicle” type of personality that constantly repels others and keeps them at a distance?

And it only went downhill from there …

Further down in the ad copy, I am asked:

Do you know how to attract people to you? How to win and hold the man or woman of your choice? Do you know how to make yourself popular, sought after, looked up to? Are you able with a look, a gesture, a spoken word, to command attention? Do you radiate supreme health, strength, vitality? Do people believe in you, rely upon you, look to you for leadership:? Is every nerve and cell in your body alive, vibrant with electric energy? Is your mind keen and active, your spirit calm and reposed, your body growing with superabundance of health? Do you wish to be successful in whatever you undertake? Do you wish to be popular with men, popular with women?

No one asks you those questions unless they believe you don’t know how to do any of those things you’re supposed to know how to do.

So why are you sending this ad to me now, Paul? Huh? Why?

What are you trying to tell me?