February’s begun, and you know what that means—it’s time to gather in one place all the dreams I tweeted about during the month of January.

As usual, plenty of members of the convention-going crowd are included, but this month you’ll also find Conan O’Brien, Frank Sinatra, Marlon Brando, Martin Sheen, Richard Dreyfuss, and other unusual suspects.

Who knows? Maybe you’re in there, too!

JANUARY 2011

I dreamt I tried to help a drug addict on the subway by telling him how well rehab had worked for my sister-in-law. (Which is not true!) 30 Jan

I dreamt when I left the Syfy office, my elevator zoomed to a basement where I was tossed in a van because they suspected I was an alien. 30 Jan

I dreamt I visited American Idol, where Randy told me of the time he worked with my cousin Herb, and Ryan offered me a low-paying job. 30 Jan

I dreamt I was driven in a speeding car while trying not to spill an overfull bowl of matzoh ball soup delicately balanced on one knee. 30 Jan

I dreamt my father was upset because I visited FL on his birthday rather than my mother’s. (It didn’t bother me that he was suddenly alive.) 30 Jan

I dreamt I was woken by the rowdy singing of “When the Saints Go Marching In,” and looked outside to see a group of mourning AA members. 30 Jan

I dreamt I was a doglike alien creature in a pixelated video game world, cheerfully exploring — opening doors, looking under things, etc. 29 Jan

I dreamt I bought three extremely large almond croissants at a bakery. Together, they were so HUGE no bag was large enough to hold them. 29 Jan

I dreamt I was researching apartments rather than hotels for a long trip to Australia, and the cheapest I could find cost $8,000 per month. 29 Jan

I dreamt I bumped into Eric Van and David Shaw at Readercon, and was surprised to see them wearing identical wild, blinding, garish shirts. 28 Jan

I dreamt I needed to read a speech to introduce my daughter’s basketball team, but there were so many edits I couldn’t make sense of it. 28 Jan

I dreamt we rented an apartment near the last Brooklyn stop of the D train and were readying to move back to NY. (Like that’ll ever happen.) 28 Jan

I dreamt I was hired as an extra on a movie set. A very BORING movie net. No stars, no action, no unusual scenery. I wanted it to be over. 28 Jan

I dreamt that while I watched TV, Amy Poehler came into the room, so I hit pause. She tapped the screen, as if confused that was possible. 27 Jan

I dreamt I entered a hotel meeting room for a panel at Readercon and found that my notes from a previous year’s panel were still on a table. 27 Jan

I dreamt that my friend Allan was trapped inside a burning car, and I had to rip a door off to pull him from the flames. 26 Jan

I dreamt I weeded a plot of ground and planted seeds for things that couldn’t possibly grow there or anywhere. (Wish I could remember them!) 25 Jan

I dreamt I was a serial killer on a cruiseship, and oddly, every word I spoke wasn’t spontaneous, but rehearsed and read off index cards. 25 Jan

I dreamt I worked at a beautiful copper still, and as its endless pipes and vessels boiled and bubbled, I knew I’d never make my deadline. 25 Jan

I dreamt I browsed a newsstand where I found a copy of Space and Time. Strangely, it didn’t look contemporary, but like a small 1980s issue. 24 Jan

I dreamt Irene asked me to dump twelve 40-pound bags of dirt in our foyer, which I did (because it WAS Irene), even though it seemed odd. 24 Jan

I dreamt aliens running from the government paused at a highway reststop and gave us mutant superpowers. My hands were now filigreed gold. 24 Jan

I dreamt some friends of mine and I published comics during the zombie post-apocalypse, which we’d distribute daily while the undead slept. 24 Jan

I dreamt I invented an experimental plane for the govt. which a woman convinced me to steal to fly cross-country for a medical emergency. 23 Jan

I dreamt I was having a discussion with a friend about the pros and cons of rehab when I noticed a scruffy David Arquette glaring at us. 23 Jan

I dreamt a cheerleader asked me to drive my car toward her at high speed so she could do a backflip over it. Which she successfully did. 23 Jan

I dreamt I drove with my parents to a restaurant that had an impossible view of an ocean out one side and the Rocky Mountains out the other. 22 Jan

I dreamt I visited Syfy, but when I got to the restroom, realized I was dreaming, because of all the gold and marble not there in real life. 22 Jan

I dreamt one of my freelancers had committed suicide. I was stunned, and tried to figure out whether I should have seen it coming. 22 Jan

I dreamt that as I walked down a Manhattan street, I suddenly burst into a full-blown performance of “Bad Romance.” And I wasn’t bad either. 22 Jan

I dreamt I worked as a file clerk, and my boss — Eliott Gould — called me into his office and asked me to apologize to a coworker. 22 Jan

I dreamt I pumped Damon Knight for info on a great ’50s SF author I’d never met, but since I met most of them in the ’70s, I don’t know who! 22 Jan

I dreamt I was a famous comic (but who?) hanging with Mick Jagger. We decided it would be funny to run though a Walmart and cause a scene. 20 Jan

I dreamt I bought a swimsuit with giant faces of Superman, Wonder Woman, and Flash on it, and modeled it for Len Wein and Christine Valada. 20 Jan

I dreamt an assassin who’d tried to kill a politician with a rifle was blown up by a second assassin moments before he could be captured. 20 Jan

I dreamt I watched the Madonna episode of Glee while hanging around with the Glee cast and listening to the commentary track they recorded. 20 Jan

I dreamt I was a General Patton-type leader addressing a handful of his troops as they were about to head into battle on a secret mission. 20 Jan

I dreamt I was a Henry Ford-type industrialist giving a party speech to fat cats and plutocrats about how I’d invented “American royalty.” 19 Jan

I dreamt I worked for Gawker and was typing away at a computer with hundreds of others in a large, airless room as Nick Denton ranted at us. 19 Jan

I dreamt that I ran into Mary Robinette Kowal on the London underground. We knew we were dreaming, and agreed to compare notes when we woke. 18 Jan

I dreamt I was leaving the Reno Worldcon (which won’t actually happen for another seven months) and saying farewell to friends in the lobby. 18 Jan

I dreamt I bumped into John Barrowman, who rather than being 6′ tall as in life was about 6′ 8″. I tried (poorly) not to geek out over him. 18 Jan

I dreamed about a hijacked train, Butterfingers, Tony Randall, fireworks, mourning clothes, misunderstandings, Brooklyn, and Daniel Sunjata. 17 Jan

I dreamt I looked away from my desk to see Joe Morton walk by. When I looked back, a GQ photographer had set up his camera on my desktop. 16 Jan

I dreamt I was President (as played by Martin Sheen), and to distract from a political scandal, I decided to fake an assassination attempt. 15 Jan

I dreamt I wandered a city where EVERY surface was covered with graffiti, bright reds and greens and purples that can only be found asleep 14 Jan

I dreamt I created an intricate cheese and crackers platter for your visit, then suddenly, it was gone! I searched, but couldn’t find it. 13 Jan

I dreamt I was (young) Richard Dreyfuss, arriving home to find it had been invaded by zombies. I began blowing them away — until one spoke! 13 Jan

I dreamt I visited a theater that maintained a human jukebox. Press a button and people would come out of a nearby door to act, sing, dance. 12 Jan

I dreamt I was in contact with Jack Williamson via a ouija board-like device. We talked about the afterlife. Sadly, I remember no details. 12 Jan

I dreamt I wandered the main streets of Uzbekistan. I had trouble deciding on a restaurant, so I entered a hotel and asked a concierge. 12 Jan

I dreamt Silverberg asked me to perform a filk song he wrote about the end of the world. There were rhymes with Asimov, Spinrad and Strahan. 12 Jan

I dreamt a sniper shot at my son several times, deliberately missing him, then asked me to step into the line of fire to prove I was worthy. 12 Jan

I dreamt the news reported on a robotic stegosaurus wandering Central Park. I wanted Irene to see, but whenever she looked, they’d cut away. 11 Jan

I dreamt I was waiting for William Shatner to drop by. Every time the lights of a passing car lit up the dark room I’d think, “Is that him?” 11 Jan

I dreamt I was young Jeff Bridges, stumbling into a church in search of the woman I loved, and giving an impassioned speech asking for help. 10 Jan

I dreamt Roy Thomas came up to me in a crowd and gave me a tiny raisin corn muffin he had baked in celebration of … I have no idea what. 10 Jan

I dreamt I was rubbing a stick of butter on the upholstery of a car in the mistaken belief this would help preserve the leather. 10 Jan

I dreamt Mark Rich had taken out a large memorial ad in the Washington Post for a recently deceased SF luminary. Can’t remember who, though. 9 Jan

I dreamt Ellen Kushner worked Readercon registration, and in addition to my badge handed me massive Harvey Kurtzman and Peanuts art books. 9 Jan

I dreamt I was cruising down sunny L.A. Streets on a motorcycle, passing endless Cuban restaurants. I couldn’t decide which one to eat at. 9 Jan

I dreamt a magician stuffed a handkerchief in his fist and asked me to pull it out. When I did, 60+ feet of ornate balloons were revealed. 8 Jan

I dreamt that while I was flipping through magazines from the 1850s and skimming the ads, a tiny baby walked over and we had a conversation. 8 Jan

I dreamt I visited a gallery where the featured artist (a man) wore a dress woven out of daisies. When I looked down I was dressed the same. 8 Jan

I dreamt I was on an elevated platform with a view of the Rockies and desperately tried to find the train that would get me to Bensonhurst. 7 Jan

I dreamt Michael Dirda was a museum curator, and I was trying to convince him to put together an art exhibit for Wally Wood’s 80th birthday. 6 Jan

I dreamt I rode an elevator that moved SO fast every time it stopped I floated into the air and the top of my head touched the ceiling. 6 Jan

I dreamt I was in the middle of an open field as small meteors rained down, and I kept swinging a pool cue to swat them back into the sky. 6 Jan

I dreamt I was on a conveyor belt that led me to Joe Scarborough’s studio, and I remained on his show until it took me out the other end. 5 Jan

I dreamt that Bill Shunn handed out “zombie bananas” to his friends, bananas encased in black leather. He said there was a contest involved. 5 Jan

I dreamt I wandered the Imperial Theatre with a group of Clarion students and bumped into Frank Sinatra and Marlon Brando singing a duet. 4 Jan

I dreamt I was studying to become a lawyer, and taking a multiple-choice quiz in which NONE of the answers seemed to make sense. 3 Jan

I dreamt Darrell Schweitzer and I battled over the wig Rene Auberjonois wore as Odo in Deep Space Nine while a building collapsed around us. 3 Jan

I dreamt I shopped with Conan O’Brien at a dollar store. I bought a Captain America towel that I folded and wore as a Japanese hachimaki. 2 Jan

I dreamt I stood under the arch of my open front door, and tossed vampires one by one out into the bright sunshine. They sizzled like bacon. 2 Jan

I dreamt I wandered the Hallmark aisle at my local supermarket, and found a card that read, “Sorry about your recent plane crash.” 1 Jan

I dreamed I interviewed for a job at an advertising agency. As part of the process, _I_ had to interview someone else for the same position. 1 Jan

I dreamt I overheard Silverberg complaining to Heinlein that an SF mag had been somehow published that year WITHOUT a Silverbob story in it. 1 Jan