Like many of you, I’m planning to attend next year’s World Horror Convention in Brighton. I’m sure I’ll have fun, especially since my zombie collection from PS Publishing will launch there. But for extra insurance to make sure the trip goes well, I pulled out my favorite guidebook so I could brush up on the ways of those mysterious Brits.

Let’s flip through its pages together and see what sort of useful advice we can find!

Uh-oh! I see a problem right away. It seems that the convention, scheduled to run from March 25-28, won’t be held during the most fashionable time of year for a visit:

The ‘London Season’ is chiefly comprised within the months of May, June, and July, when Parliament is sitting, the aristocracy are at their town residences, the greatest artistes in the world are performing at the Opera, and the Picture Exhibitions open.

Ah, well. I’m sure I’ll manage to have a good time anyway. So what else do I need to know?

Passport: These documents are not necessary in England, though occasionally useful in procuring delivery of registered and poste restante letters. A visa is quite needless.

I’m glad to hear that England is such an open country! Anything more?

The English forms of politeness are, however, by no means so minute or ceremonious as the French. For example, the hat is raised to ladies only, and is worn in public places, such as shops, cafes, music halls, and museums. It should, however, be removed in the presence of ladies in a lift (elevator).

Hmmm … I don’t usually wear a hat, but I guess I can pack one if one is absolutely necessary. Go on …

We need hardly caution newcomers against the artifices of pickpockets and the wiles of impostors, two fraternities which are very numerous in London. It is even prudent to avoid speaking to strangers.

That might be difficult for me, as I’m generally a friendly guy, chatting up almost everyone. But it’s nice to know that even if the worst should happen, the police are good at recovering stolen goods, even when they’re in the form of cash!

The number of each note should be taken down in a pocket-book, as there is a bare possibility of its being traced and recovered, if lost or stolen.

Anything else?

Lights (i.e. candles or gas) are seldom or never charged for, but travelers accustomed to the American system of heating must remember that fires in bedrooms or private sitting rooms are an extra.

Really? That’s not at all how I remember it from my last visit, when I passed through on my way to Egypt in 2006 …

Wait a second! I see what’s going on. When I reached for my copy of Baedeker’s London and Its Environs, I mistakenly grabbed the 1896 edition!

Sorry about that.

Never mind!