Up until now, Dr. J. Berg Esenwein’s 1908 book Writing the Short-Story: A Practical Handbook on the Rise, Structure, Writing and Sale of the Modern Short-Story has offered advice which, while it might sometimes seem quaint now that a century has passed, hasn’t attempted to steer today’s beginning writers in a direction that’s just dead wrong for 2008.

But now, here’s a tip that runs counter to everything you’d hear any professional writer or writing instructor recommend today:

Do not think it necessary to put “he saids” after every remark made by a character. So long as without them the reader understands clearly and easily just who is speaking, such additions hinder rather than help dialogue. But when you do add the explanatory verbs, use some ingenuity in getting away from the conventional forms. Do not discriminate against such good expressions as “he acquiesced,” “admitted,” “argued,” “asked,” “assented,” “boasted,” “called,” “cautioned,” “chuckled,” “corrected,” “cried,” “croaked,” “crowed,” “declared,” “drawled,” droned,” “ejaculated,” “emended,” “enjoined,” “enumerated,” “exclaimed,” “exploded,” “flashed,” “frowned,” “gasped,” “growled,” “grumbled,” “grunted,” “hinted,” “inquired,” “insinuated,” “intimated,” “jeered,” “jested,” “laughed,” “leered,” “maundered,” “mumbled,” “nodded,” “opined,” “pronounced,” “puffed,” “questioned,” “rejoined,” “retorted,” “returned,” “simpered,” “snarled,” sneered,” “snickered,” “stammered,” “stipulated,” “stormed,” “suggested,” “urged,” “volunteered,” “wondered,” “yelled,”—and a whole dictionaryful besides, each precisely suited to the shade of mood to be depicted.

This is precisely the opposite of what you should be doing. There’s nothing wrong with a simple “he said.”

So, please, writers of 2008 and beyond—keep your ejaculations where they belong!