When I arrive at Balticon tomorrow, I will be bearing two durian with me. If you’re not familiar with this exotic fruit, you should know that it is banned on public transportation and in many hotels in Singapore, ingesting one has been described as like “eating custard in a sewer,” and I’ve read that, “You can kill a person by throwing a durian at his head. It’s just like a ball of spikes.”

Take a look at a boy and his durian. You’ll note that due to those lethal spikes, I’m holding it with a leather glove.

What else do you need to know about durian? How about the fact that it has thrice defeated Andrew Zimmern, the host of Bizarre Foods, eater of everything from lamprey to bats to stinky tofu? Check out one of his failures below.

Angry Bob, however, has put Zimmern to shame, in what has to be funniest video ever made about durian.

If Angry Bob’s statement that a durian “smells like ass” has you thinking, “wow, how can I can me some of that?”—well, tomorrow at Balticon will be your lucky day.

Why am I performing this public service? Last week at the Nebulas, I had dinner with John Kessel, Liza Groen Trombi, Paolo Bacigalupi, and John Joseph Adams at an Ethipoian restaurant, and since JJA isn’t much of an exotic eater, Paolo and I shared anecdotes of our oddest eating experiences, which (after I finished talking about the guinea pig) led to a lengthy discussion of durian. And since it turned out that both Paolo and I would be at Balticon, it seemed the perfect time to schedule a durian feast!

So I now have two durian in the back of my Jeep, as well as bowls and spoons so you needn’t fear that you’ll burst into flame by touching it. And cups and water, too. At 4:00, once I’m done moderating my 3:00 panel on “Name-Droppers” with Ian Randal Strock, Thomas B. Talbot, Phil Giunta, Michael Swanwick, I’ll alert you all via Twitter, and we will head outside to the parking lot, where the carnage will begin.

Paolo wants me to crack the durian open in the con suite … but I fear the resulting aroma will wreak such havoc that the aftermath will dwarf the famed Disclave sprinkler debacle.

Though if there’s enough of a public outcry …

See you all tomorrow!